What comes to your mind when you read the word ‘identity’?

What makes up yours?

Is it your name? Your culture, beliefs or background?

Is it where you live, what you do, who or what you love or who others say you are?

Our sense of identity is important. Our understanding of who we are shapes so much of what we do, where we feel we belong and how we feel and act.

For children and young people with experience of the care system, the topic of identity can be a complex thing as they try to figure out their place in the world.

As adoptive parents, foster carers and supported lodgings, and friends, family, community and church, hosts we have the privilege to play a significant role in affirming the identity of the children and young people in our families and our lives.

We get to be cheerleaders along the way, offering guidance, support and a safe place to express feelings. We get to be a voice of loving acceptance that gives them freedom to explore, discover, celebrate and at times perhaps mourn their story. We get to walk alongside them in their questioning, and we get to affirm them – sometimes with words, sometimes with actions, sometimes with the simplest of gestures; yes, this is who you are.

So, what does that look like? What steps can we take towards helping a child or teenager understand who they are? There’s no quick-fix answer; our stories are complex. There’s no end-goal; who we are grows and shifts and moves and changes throughout our whole lives. But here are five ways you can begin to communicate ‘yes, this is who you are.’

ACCEPT

Accept the child or teenager as they are, for who they are, however similar or different their experience and background is to yours. Of course, we want to encourage and support them to flourish which may involve advocating for the right support or helping them figure out what choices are the safest, healthiest and best for them, but the foundations of a healthy relationship will be built upon loving, accepting and celebrating who they are.

The journey of understanding and processing their story, their early life experiences and the far reaching impact they have is an important part of developing identity and it’s a lifelong journey. As the adults around them, accepting them as they are for who they are is vital as they navigate the way forward.

BE CURIOUS

Maybe you’re not an animal lover, but a child who comes into your family loves horses. You could do the odd pony ride or buy the odd horse related souvenir - OR you could learn with them, find out what they love and why, how it makes them feel. Go visit stables together, listen with joyful interest to the facts they’ll tell you about equine care. Why? Because it affirms what’s in them and their exploration of that thing. Whether it’s a passing fad or a lifelong passion, it gives permission to explore and express.

This might take some brave steps on your part – could you cheer for your rival football team to allow their young supporter in your care to feel encouraged to get involved? Could you visit a new place of worship so your child can grow in and practice their own faith?

It might also take you leaning into your friendship circles or wider community. If you’re caring for a child, and find you don’t know how to best care for their hair type, ask someone who does to come over for a pamper night, and learn from them. If you are struggling to cook your child’s favourite meal, draw in someone who is familiar with the cuisine, and enjoy a delicious meal while learning a new recipe. Friends, church family, community – this is just one area where you have something so valuable to offer!

BE OPEN – and closed.

Conversations about birth family, previous relationships and homes need to be encouraged and journeyed through – in sensitive and appropriate ways – because those things are vital building blocks, a significant part of who they are and their story.

You may create specific moments for conversation over a mealtime, on a car journey or dog walk. Or, questions might appear seemingly at random, and sometimes, inconvenient times. When we work to create a culture of openness in our relationships, where any question is OK and no subject off limits, it stops their identity and story being something that needs to be hidden, talked about in hushed tones or feel ashamed of.

On the flip side – not everyone needs to know the ins and the outs of your child’s story. Some children and young people have had their private information shared with different professionals and carers, perhaps sometimes the general public, without their control. We want to be active and deliberate in protecting a child’s dignity and honouring their story. This might look like firmly shutting down conversations with others, however well meaning their curiosity may be!

GET READY

I’ve lost count of the times when well-meaning people have asked me unhelpful questions about one or some of the children in our family, like, “Which one of you does the red hair come from then?” or, when we had an older teenager living with us when I was in my early 30s, “Wow, how old were you when you had her then?!”

As children go through school, they may be invited to show their baby pictures or draw a family tree. Craft activities will likely focus around the word ‘mum’ when March rolls around, and ‘dad’ in June. They might be asked which parent they’re most like or why they call their ‘mum’ by their first name.

So, we need to get ready!

Talk about this with your children to figure out together what their response could be, equipping them with the tools to answer these questions about their identity. Explain to them what you’ll say when people ask you questions as a way of reassuring them that you’re a team, but also that your words and response will affirm their identity as your priority.

For example, when someone asks where one of my son’s red hair comes from, my response is. “I know, isn’t it gorgeous – we love it!” which deflects the question, affirms it as part of who he is and shuts down any further line of questioning!

People will often tell me that some or any of the children in our family look like me, whether they’re biologically connected to me or not. Whichever child they say it of, my response is, “I think they look most like themselves,” and then pick something specific about them, a characteristic or physical attribute that is awesome about them and highlight that.

DEVELOP EMPATHY

For children who have care experience, figuring out who they are and where they belong is a lifelong journey. They may be able to articulate these internal challenges in words, but what is most likely, is that these feelings will be expressed outwardly in their behaviour, responses and attitudes.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Let’s remember the complexity and pain in the midst of their stories and respond to that instead of reacting to the behaviour. It’s easy to say and can be difficult to do, but and developing empathy in our response is vital if we’re going to journey well with children who have had a difficult start in life.