Glimpses of Motherhood: Esther's Story

No Greater Love

“To everything, there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Wow, this verse has been really resonating with me lately.

It astounds me how timely God has been with surrounding me with words of great comfort during this unexpected season.

Seven weeks ago we discovered I was pregnant. For most people this is a time of great joy and elation. For my husband and I, it was quite the opposite.

Initially we were stunned – with all my other pregnancies I had tell-tale signs of something occurring way before we’d see that fine line of confirmation. This time I was already two weeks late. The fear kicked in: this was the stage when our other ten pregnancies all ended, surely it would end as we knew only too well.

But on top of all that was an even weightier concern, how on earth would this impact our precious daughter?

Grace* joined our family two years ago. A beautiful 11 month old. When we were pursuing adoption and we first saw her file we believed we could see God’s masterplan being unfolded. There were so many things that made her the right match for us and so many obstacles in her own journey towards adoption that made the timing absolutely perfect for her to be matched with us. It still stuns me now.

It didn’t take us long to discover she was just as right for us, as we were for her. The most sociable, outgoing tiny human we’d ever met (with my husband and I the couple who couldn’t help but make friends on honeymoon!) We were so blessed to have such a smooth transition with her into our family.

For the past two years Grace has continued to learn and thrive, as was spoken over her by a friend who hadn’t even yet met her: ‘she’ll be wise beyond her years’. This has been echoed by many a friend who knows her well. She’s infectious to be around, full of joy and a desire to befriend everyone she meets.

So when we discovered this pregnancy, not so long ago, we began to fear the worst.

All those books we’d read prior to adoption about attachment, about the psychological theories. What if this pregnancy doesn’t end as the others have, what if this hugely damages our daughter?

Of course there’d be the immediate excitement. Grace has seen many friends have baby brothers or sisters, and she’s been asking us for one for a long time. She’s sociable, she would love our family to increase.

But what if this throws a spanner in the works? What if this really shakes her identity even more when she hits those teen years, or whenever she goes deeper on that journey of discovery? What if we’re creating wounds that are irreparable?

We are feeling very anxious.

And as time goes on, with a promising early scan and getting ever increasingly beyond those most fragile weeks, we grow ever more aware of the impact this will have on Grace. It seems crazy that something we desired for so many years can now seem so incredibly scary.

But then I am reminded of Jesus.

I am reminded that we are not doing this alone. I am reminded that God loves Grace far more than my husband and I ever will. Which is astounding. He loves her so vastly. If He loves and knows her far better than we do, then we have to trust He will give her all she needs to bare this.

It doesn’t mean that it’ll be an easy ride, but that He will hold her through the journey.

Although it may be a similar story to others, I also feel conscious of how unique this journey is. A song has been on loop in my head this past month ‘God is doing a new thing’(any DC Talk fans of the 90s will know it well). I feel He really is. It’s overwhelming but I am slowly allowing myself to get excited.

I thank God for this huge gift He has entrusted us with. I am praying that He will equip us – to enable me to be the mother that Grace needs, and to prepare me for this unknown journey into a different take on motherhood.

I pray so fervently for Grace. That she will know God’s unfailing love for her. That she will know how vastly we love her. And that she will have a beautiful relationship with her new sibling.

* Name has been changed to protect Esther’s daughter’s identity